The Journey to Eternity — Chapter Thirty-Five: The First Time

Chapter Thirty-Five of my book, The Journey to Eternity, shared here chapter by chapter as I write it. Earlier chapters: Chapter One · Chapter Two · Chapter Three · Chapter Four · Chapter Five · Chapter Six · Chapter Seven · Chapter Eight · Chapter Nine · Chapter Ten · Chapter Eleven · Chapter Twelve · Chapter Thirteen · Chapter Fourteen · Chapter Fifteen · Chapter Sixteen · Chapter Seventeen · Chapter Eighteen · Chapter Nineteen · Chapter Twenty · Chapter Twenty-One · Chapter Twenty-Two · Chapter Twenty-Three · Chapter Twenty-Four · Chapter Twenty-Five · Chapter Twenty-Six · Chapter Twenty-Seven · Chapter Twenty-Eight · Chapter Twenty-Nine · Chapter Thirty · Chapter Thirty-One · Chapter Thirty-Two · Chapter Thirty-Three · Chapter Thirty-Four.

Chapter Thirty-Five: The First Time

"She does not look like you at all."

Ayla's words continued to echo in me even after the connection was cut off.

For a long time I had tried to discover who I had been before I was born as a human. Now I was about to meet someone who had been created from a memory of mine, but was not me. She lived, thought and feared behind a door she had not chosen to be imprisoned behind.

Naama sat before the bowl of light. Around her hovered the signs we had brought from the Archive.

"I found a way to create a shared space for them," she said.

"And to open the door?"

"Not yet. First we will have to separate the meeting from the bond that holds them together."

"What is the difference?"

"They will be able to see and hear each other without sharing thoughts and memories. But for the consciousness behind the door to come out, we will have to unravel the old bond."

"And if we unravel it?"

Naama looked at me.

"We do not know what will remain of it."

Adra asked to speak with Ayla and with the other consciousness separately.

I was not present at the conversations.

I sat down in the corridor, near a window overlooking the gardens. I heard Naama working in the next room, and Liara's voice when she joined her.

I did not like waiting.

I was used to doing something when someone needed help. To find a solution, to offer a way, to promise I would do everything I could.

But this time I had no right to lead.

After some time Adra came out.

"Both of them want to meet," she said.

I stood up.

"And what about the release?"

"Ayla wants to know the price before she decides. The other one asked that we try to find a way that will not harm her."

"So are we ready?"

"For the meeting, yes. Not for the separation."

When I entered the workshop, the bowl of light no longer looked like a bowl.

Above it a round space had opened, half transparent. Inside it two separate places could be seen, and between them a thin partition of light.

Naama checked the boundaries one last time.

"Ayla, can you hear me?"

"Yes."

"You can enter now. If you want to stop, say so."

A small point of light appeared at one side of the space.

That was Ayla.

She moved slowly, as if examining the new place.

"I am here," she whispered.

From the other side a silver point appeared.

It was a little larger, and its light changed every time it moved.

For a moment both of them stood motionless.

And then Ayla laughed.

"I thought you would look different."

"How?" asked the silver one.

"I do not know. Maybe like me."

"I thought so too."

They drew closer to the partition.

"Do you remember me?" Ayla asked.

"I remember the first time you laughed."

"When was that?"

"When you discovered that you could choose a thought without hearing the thoughts of all of them."

Ayla was silent.

"I do not remember that."

"I know."

"Can you tell me?"

The silver point drew closer.

"You laughed so hard that I thought something had gone wrong. But then you said you were simply happy."

Ayla's light trembled.

"I wish I could remember."

"I can tell you again."

I stood beside Liara.

I could not see faces, and yet there was something in the way the two of them moved toward each other that reminded me of a meeting between people who had parted many years ago.

"What are you called?" Ayla asked.

"I have no name."

"You can choose one."

"I do not know how."

"I did not know either. But in the end I found one."

The silver one turned slowly in place.

"Maybe I will wait until I get out of here."

"Do you really think you will manage it?"

"I want to try."

Ayla drew closer until her light touched the partition.

"I want to too."

At that moment a sharp sound was heard.

Naama raised her head.

The line between the two consciousnesses began to flicker.

"Do not come any closer," she said.

Both of them stopped.

But the flickering did not stop.

"What is happening?" I asked.

Naama passed her hand over the signs.

"The old bond is reacting to the meeting. It is trying to return them to the state they were in before."

The silver point moved away from the partition, but Ayla began to move after it without meaning to.

"I cannot stop!" she cried.

Adra came closer to the bowl.

"Naama, separate the spaces."

"If I separate them now, the bond will stretch even more."

Ayla's light shrank.

"It hurts."

The silver one stopped at once.

"Do not pull her!" she cried to Naama. "I will come back."

"No," Ayla said.

"I do not want it to hurt you."

"But I do not want you to stay there!"

The two points trembled.

And then I heard Naama say:

"I found the problem."

She enlarged the signs above the bowl.

Between them a glowing line appeared, and at its center one dark point.

"The memory you gave Ayla became, over time, an anchor," she explained. "It helped her hold on to her identity when she did not know what belonged to her. The silver consciousness developed from the pattern that carried it."

"And they cannot be separated?"

"It is possible to try. But the anchor cannot go on holding both of them."

"Then give it to Ayla."

Naama shook her head.

"It is not ours to decide."

Adra turned to the two consciousnesses.

"There is a choice you will have to make."

The light in the space steadied a little.

"What choice?" Ayla asked.

"The bond can be left as it is. Both of you will go on existing, but you will not be able to truly move away from each other. Or the anchor can be released."

"And what will happen then?"

Adra did not hurry to answer.

"You may lose the memory from which the bond between you began. Not all of your memories, but the first memory that gave you a sense of safety. We also do not know whether you will remember afterward the consciousness facing you."

Ayla did not move.

"And she?"

"She will be able to come out. But she too may lose the shared memory."

The silver one answered at once.

"Then no."

"Why?" Ayla asked.

"Because I do not want you to lose something important because of me."

"But you want to come out."

"I want to. Not at any price."

Ayla was silent.

I looked at her small point of light.

Until today, almost everything we knew about her was tied to fear. The fear of being alone, the fear of hearing the others again, the fear of not knowing who she was.

Now before her stood the possibility of choosing out of desire, not only out of fear.

"If I forget you," Ayla asked at last, "will you still be you?"

The silver one paused.

"I hope so."

"And if you come out, will you be able to return?"

"If there is a way, I will return."

"But maybe I will not recognize you."

"Then I will tell you who I am."

Ayla drew a little closer to the partition.

"I think I want you to come out."

"Ayla…"

"I waited so long for someone to find me. Now I know that you were there all the time. I do not want you to remain imprisoned only so that I can feel safe."

The silver one did not answer.

"I am afraid," Ayla added. "But I want to try."

Naama did not begin at once.

She asked each of them to say separately what she understood and what she chose. Then she gave them time to change their minds.

Both of them held to their decision.

Adra asked me to move away from the bowl.

"The original memory came from you," she said. "If you come too close, the space may recognize in you another place in which to hold the bond."

I withdrew to Liara's side.

She took my hand.

Naama stood before the bowl and laid both her hands on its rim.

"I am beginning."

The light in the room dimmed.

The partition between the two consciousnesses vanished, but they did not draw closer.

Instead, a thin, glowing thread appeared between them.

It stretched from one to the other.

Very slowly, Naama began to unravel it.

At first nothing happened.

And then Ayla screamed.

Her light scattered for a moment, as if someone had scattered it to the wind.

"Stop!" cried the silver one.

Naama stopped at once.

"Ayla, do you want us to stop?"

No answer was heard.

I waited, my hand frozen inside Liara's hand.

In the end Ayla's voice was heard.

"I am here."

"Do you want to stop?" Naama asked.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. But give me a moment."

Her light gathered itself again.

She turned to the silver one.

"I cannot recall what you told me before."

"About what?"

"About the first time I laughed."

The silver one drew a little closer.

"I still remember."

"Then remember it for yourself," Ayla said. "Not for me."

Naama returned to the thread.

This time it began to tear.

Not all at once.

Fiber after fiber.

Each time a fiber came undone, a faint sound was heard.

Ayla lost her form for a moment and returned to it.

The silver one trembled, but stayed in her place.

And then images I had not asked to see came to me.

A white tree.

Dark waters.

A small girl reaching out a hand.

And the consciousness I had been, telling her she would not leave her.

I tried to turn my gaze away, but the image remained inside me.

For a moment I felt a strong pull toward the bowl.

As if the thread being unraveled was searching for another place to hold on to.

I stepped forward without meaning to.

Liara gripped me tightly.

"Do not come closer."

"I feel it."

"I know. But it does not need to come back to you."

I closed my eyes.

I remembered Eva.

The two lights that could influence each other even when they were far apart.

Not every bond has to hold someone in place.

I remained standing.

The pull weakened.

A sharp sound split the room.

The last thread tore.

The silver point vanished.

Ayla remained alone in the space.

Naama bent over the bowl.

"The bond is severed."

"Where is she?" I asked.

"I am searching."

Ayla's light was steady, but she did not move.

"Ayla?" Adra called.

"I am here."

"How do you feel?"

"Quiet."

Her voice was strangely calm.

"Do you remember what just happened?"

"Yes. You wanted to help me get out."

"And do you remember who was with you?"

Silence.

"Who?" Ayla asked.

I looked at Naama.

She closed her eyes for a moment.

The price was real.

We searched for the silver one.

Naama checked the space, the old bond and the boundaries of the workshop.

She found nothing.

"Maybe she went back to the place where she was," Liara said.

"There is no longer a bond holding her there," Naama answered.

"Then maybe she vanished."

No one answered.

I sat down.

I did not want to believe that Ayla's choice had ended in another loss.

But I had no other proof.

And then a voice was heard from the corridor.

"Excuse me."

We all turned around.

In the doorway stood a silver point of light.

It hovered at the height of my face, stopped for a moment and moved a little backward.

"I think I have come to the wrong place," she said.

Naama rose at once.

"You are free."

The silver one looked at her.

"Apparently."

"How did you get here?"

"I do not know. I felt I could move, so I moved. Then I saw a light and followed it."

She looked around.

"Do I know you?"

I did not answer at once.

"We met before," I said.

"I do not remember."

I looked at the bowl.

Ayla was still there.

Two consciousnesses that had carried a shared memory for a long time had lost it, but they had not lost themselves.

The silver one drew closer to the bowl.

"Who is that?" she asked.

Ayla answered:

"I am called Ayla."

"I do not know what I am called."

"You can choose a name," Ayla said.

The silver one paused.

"How does one choose?"

"I can help you search."

None of us spoke.

The silver one moved closer.

"Do you know this place?" she asked Ayla.

"Not really. I still cannot get out of it."

"Why?"

"I do not know. But now I want to try."

"Maybe I can help you."

Ayla laughed.

"You only just arrived too."

"True," the silver one answered. "Then maybe we will learn together."

I looked at Liara.

She smiled, but her eyes were wet.

We did not tell them at once that they had known each other.

We did not want to burden them with our story before they had time to discover their own.

Naama promised Ayla that we would go on checking how she could get out of the place where she was.

The silver one asked to stay a little longer and talk with her.

We left them together.

When I left the workshop, the light outside had already changed.

The city was quiet.

I sat down on a step and gazed at the paths.

I did not know whether Ayla and the silver one would love each other as they had loved before. Perhaps they would connect anew. Perhaps they would choose different ways.

But this time they would be able to decide.

Liara came out and sat down beside me.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Yes."

"You look sad."

"I am thinking about what they lost."

"And about what they received?"

I looked at her.

"That too."

She was silent for a moment.

"There is something I have not told you," she said.

I turned to her.

"What?"

"When the bond tore, I felt the memory I carry for you. It reacted to the pull, as if it too were being drawn back to the place it had come from."

I felt my heart contract.

"And are you all right?"

"Yes. It is still with me."

"Do you want us to check what happened to it?"

Liara thought for a moment.

"Not tonight."

I nodded.

She laid her head on my shoulder.

We sat like that for a while, without speaking.

After a short while we heard laughter from the workshop.

First one voice.

After it, another voice.

I did not know what they were laughing about.

Perhaps about something small and unimportant.

Perhaps about the fact that neither of them yet knows what the world beyond the door looks like.

I rose and peered inside.

The silver one hovered above the bowl, and Ayla tried to imitate the way she moved.

"Like this?" Ayla asked.

"No, a little faster."

Ayla turned around herself.

"I cannot do it!"

"Then try again."

"And if I do not succeed?"

"Then we will laugh again."

I stood in the doorway and listened.

Neither of them remembered the first time they had met.

But I saw them creating a new one for themselves.

I was about to return to Liara when I heard the silver one calling me.

"Wait."

I turned around.

"Yes?"

She drew closer to me.

"Do you know whether there are places in this world that none of you has seen?"

I smiled.

"I am sure there are many."

"I sense one such place."

"Where?"

She turned toward the window.

"I do not know how to explain. It is not far, but it is also not in any direction I know."

Naama raised her head.

"What do you sense there?"

The silver light changed.

"Movement. A great deal of movement. And there is something there that calls."

"To you?" I asked.

"No."

She turned to us.

"To everyone who is able to hear."

Naama came closer to the window.

"And do you want to go there?"

The silver one paused.

"Yes. But first I want to see this world."

She turned to Ayla.

"And when we find a way for you to get out, maybe we will go together."

Ayla laughed.

"First teach me how to turn around without falling."

The silver one turned around her once, slowly.

"Then we will begin with that."

Naama returned to her table, but I saw that she was noting down the silver one's words for herself.

I too looked outside.

Beyond the gardens stretched a world I did not know, and for the first time in a long while I did not feel that it was waiting for me to solve the secrets of my past before I could go out into it.

End of Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Six — The Place Beyond the Wind →

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